uncomfortably numb
complex
post
traumatic
stress
disorder
it’s a thing
no longer just for veterans
it’s a thing for us all
i watched my mother almost die
i’ve seen the aftermath of violence
more times than i can admit to, i watched people
aim for damage or death
baseball bats and fists
and a little girl's eyes from her bed
and he’s free for good behavior
he’s free from a murder charge
and my fear awakened
my mind remembered
broken glass, mirrors, the rooms he walked through
dangerous and broken
and i turned off all emotion
i went
uncomfortably numb
like halloween at a haunted house
and i remained bland
watching the haunted house
from a million miles away
from a million distances away from me
monsters jumping into my face
noisy
growly
jumpy
scary
but not for me.
i walked around numb
seeing all and unable to jump
unable to cry out
unable to be shocked
because my fear came back to life
when that monster was released
show me a red headed viking
free from jail
free from consequences
free
and i am afraid
crying on the floor of my garage
unable to get up
i could drown in those tears
i could drown in this fear
i could die in this fear
Touchy Subjects
“Men are afraid women will laugh at them.
Women are afraid men will kill them.” – Margaret Atwood
they used to say never discuss politics with friends
but how can i tell if you value my life without such discussions
particularly now
with Trump at the helm
waiting impatiently for...
if they had gotten in when congress people still filled the hall
the mob, the riotous crowd,
intent on their revolution against this country
there would have been more than five dead
more damage, more death
more rape
i know this because i’ve heard the threats against strong women
against women in power
i know this because
i am a woman
i know this because i’ve seen people
so ready to explode
at the slightest touch they explode their anger
it spills from them like niagara falls
taking hold however they think they know how
i’ve seen men explode in anger
anger and politics and violence against women
they breach their own security and are out in the open
white supremacist at the helm
leading us not into temptation
but into anger
i do talk politics and i do prejudge
if his name speaks with sweetness from your mouth
and if you talk about her emails i will scream
to the ends of the earth
and we will not be friends still, again
because your politics are my life
and i prefer my friends to care about me and mine
i breach social protocol
and here we are.
Dig it shana dug this bottle from the earth her hands reaching dirt lodging beneath her fingernails she took the time to clean it i imagine slowly with ritual perhaps under a moon pregnant and full shining bright as she touched it to river water my mother dug this bottle from the earth layering paint and crystals a bottle for magic and fulfillment a bottle to keep the spirits from escaping the spirits who tells you that you are ugly and useless and old as i make up the details to a bottle so real I have placed it on my kitchen windowsill so real that i have thanked her for my solstice gift my mother dug her grief into the ground nurturing it with her art, her soul nurturing me through her art and her liveliness my mother she dug this bottle from the ground and gifted it to me with her own self this bottle beautiful and reclaimed from the earth can you dig it? can you know? can you become one with the earth with knowledge and art and hands digging?
When it Rains, It Pours
i do not believe in the power of prayer.
i do not believe in the power of prayer
i wish i could outthink cancer
outpray it
out prey it
but no science has brought us far enough
and so many of my loves
keep fighting these battles on the cellular level
i know that people are fighting
in their bodies
in their labs
and i just keep adding to my lists of people i miss
or people fighting for their lives
it’s not one
it feels like all
my brother
my mother
my friend
my friend
my friend
…
and when it rains, it pours
so many people i know missing organs
missing human touch while they fight
their internal wars
and the hits keep on coming
keep on moving towards this brutal future
i fear my skin and my pains
and more so i fear yours
how many more names must i add to the dead
how many more candles in hope of life
i do not believe in the power of prayer
i believe in the power of science
but we aren’t here to save lives yet
we are at measures to comfort
organs to remove
when cancer comes calling
knocking at my door
taking my loves
i believe in the power of science
and i believe in grief and fear
as it touches me cold
fighting for all the candles i must light
it’s not just one
i miss so many
and fear for so many more
when it rains
it pours
-------------------------------------------------------------------
see/hear me here:
Caught in the web
boredom, boredom burning bright
tell me tales of adventure and woe
keep me in knowledge and life
when staying in my home
(home)
(home)
i connect through fingers
and thought
typing and reading and moving naught
the web is large and gritty and lovely
we’re caught like fly in a spider’s parlor
i look for matthew gray gubler
my crush on murder tv
then i find another show
do i want to see?
boredom, boredom burning bright
wikipedia is life
always another blue word to click
how am I learning about losing one’s sight
youTube keeps me in music
miley cyrus forming into rock
the way i watch nate ruess’ mouth when he sings
they’re all in my dreams
connection and zoom
pictures and texts and telephone calls
so many people have seen my puerto rican curls
(i mean, are you people even real)
poetry readings once a fortnight
a new friend to make
if i form the effort to say hello
boredom, boredom burning bright
tell me tales of connection and woe trolls a tooth broke crown gone it wasn’t caramels or gum just a regular dinner that night and pop off comes the crown my molar no longer a queen it’s given up it’s crown to be a false prophet to be false but look so real the monarch hiding rotten beyond beneath tonight i’m snaggle-toothed scared to kiss, scared to chew sharpness screaming to be taken and I’m terrified of the dental pain this doctor new to me i worry and apparently i worship at the gate of my mouth begging my crownless queen not to hurt not to make me scream and squirm when the dentist begins i have options now dental insurance and cash to spare i have options now implant over bridge because i cross that bridge everyday that i chew cleaning with tiny tools and floss swishing the food from underneath picking it out spending time and energy i would rather not i’ve crossed that bridge and made the next choice i’d rather spend my time than be inconvenienced so i’d rather not cross that bridge again all hail the queen your reign is over
smash & grab
smash & grab
anything that you can see
listen to your heartbeat
is it there
do you live or do you flee
smash & grab
crazy pills
here to solve all your ills
tested on puppy mills
is it me
smash & grab
to the start
find your way
find your heart
find the exit key
my aim is smooth
my aim is true
but you have stolen
one last view
of me leaving you
you must believe to see
smash & grab
take my heart
run it through your fucking lab
let me start again
a future without you
without my soul
like october dropping leaves
(alone)
i am nothing
you are nothing
smash & grab
listen to my footsteps
heartless
fading
can’t you see?
vote here: https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1076505.html
keel hauling my heart
don’t you know i loved you
i gave you my heart the day you said you gave me yours
you know i loved you
but you seem not to have cared
and like a mutineer on a pirate ship of old
you punish me
your rightful law
you punish me
tie me up and throw me down
into the water
pull pull pull
under the ship i go
salt in my wounds
i try not to scream
try not to breathe
back and body bashed against the boat
as they pull me all to slowly
under under
down i go
this is my rightful punishment
my heart tied to yours
forever
our hearts
combined in love and hatred
our hearts
combined
don’t you know
i loved you
fire is life
so so very very cold
here i walk foot after foot
drenched in the snow
freezing with each step
each breath
i thought i knew cold
til i walked uphill in 3 feet of unplowed brilliance
searching for a shortcut
and finding none
i search for warmth
heat
fire
in the beating of my heart
in my feet as they seek
in my every-
thing
even my thoughts have slowed like molasses in the cold
turning to slush with one thing on my mind
fire
fire to warm my heart
bringing it back from the brink of emptiness
finding hope in the fire inside
finding hope and heat
i thaw from the outside in
my heart losing walls i formed of ice & anger
losing walls
i formed
of ice & anger
but here i am trekking up the hill
walking like my life depended on this quest
this quest to find my home
to find fire
to thaw me, to honor my hearth
Bowing to Hestia
thanking Prometheus
fire is life
fire
is
life
the mother’s silence the mother walks from room to room a ghost in her own home the father works remotely the child camps online the mother is back in the 50’s preparing meals and speaking when spoken to (in her silence) they speak to others she calls out reaching through her telephone reaching through air to find a voice of her own to find her voice again before it is lost forever who is the mother forced into silence she birthed a son epidural in place grunting and focused she chose the lack of screaming with medication shunted into her spine to quell the screaming pain but now the child’s voice drones & the father adds a hum and a whistle to burrow into her silence mocking her with with her own desire her 1st amendment rights (they don’t hold so very strong in a familial setting) it is for her family she is silent in a nod to nostalgia tv and wifely knowledge & this is the reality of a pandemic here the male voice has a home
the jealous sun the number of mouths that have said the moon is jealous well, they’re wrong the sun is the jealous one. he is jealous of her changing beauty of her cool demeanor the fact that we can look upon her face without blindness the sun is jealous of her all that and a bag of moon chips made from moonlight and dreams they are what beauty tastes like they are beauty i’ve witnessed the jealousy of the sun taking over her time in the summer longer times for him to shine for her to take a backseat to his brilliance his shining rays but the moon keeps on going through her phases showing her changing beauty night after night including the darkness of the womb each month she is we are reborn but the sun keeps his the same day after day the only extra power he has the cyclic power to encroach upon her time some have called them lovers star- and rock-crossed lovers destined for sadness destined to be alone to chase one another through the skies while we sleep and love and fuck and work and write destined yet, if they were lovers she wouldn’t always be running she wouldn’t always be called jealous a heavenly body reduced to the simplicity of human emotions if they were lovers one of them would allow the other to catch up no, no, no there is no love lost here she knows that she is strong she knows
inadequate i’ve lost track of the cities and i don’t know their names but they died in vain because some fucking guy with a gun decided it was a good day to kill decided that life wasn’t worth living and took out his anger his frustration his inadequacies on you and me and, most importantly, on those who died on the other end of his bullets his gun he decided to play the role of death bringer of heartache bringer of inadequate laws bringer of fights between family and friends because a guy with a gun is a dangerous thing an angry guy with a gun who thinks he knows better is a terrorist fighting for might over women fighting for white is might fighting because mental illness is not the cause and guns just make every death easier faster ready for the B roll on the news because the A roll has become words about twitter and the inadequacy of the president i’ve lost track of the cites i don’t know that i’ve even read their names as they cross over i mourn the dead we are all Cain
just like that
for Jason Rheubin Rasmus 12/20/72 - 5/26/19
words fail in the face of death
they left on amorphous wings
wings of breath & love
wings seen &
unseen
because after
days & months & years
he died
just like that
& I am my mother’s only child
showering in tears
& forgetting
you angered me so fucking often
but you are
blood & history
you are my brother
& what is left?
a pinch of ashes around my neck
& memories
chasing rainbows & clay shot from a bb gun
into my stomach
& smuggling an iguana into the country
you are so loved by so many
with stories that last for hours
days
months &
years
you are
gone
just like that
& your friends are now my family
my brother in absentia
it takes a village to
replace you
just like that
my sister-in-law is so much more important
& you & I weren’t even all that close
(to be honest)
but god
I miss you, Jason
my brother
the only one who could possibly
know
& comprehend
our childhood
just like that
just like that
you
are
gone
& even surrounded by love
I miss you
& feel so very, very
alone
blood ancestry
sometimes i wonder if our blood is just bad
a long ago curse laid upon our line
did some ancient grandmother burn at the stake for consorting with the devil
perhaps a great great aunt crossed a shaman or a witch
we have breathed anger into our lungs since we were internal
our mothers finding bad seeds to join them
to grow us in a petri dish of fear
a life of longing
of never
belonging
in a world of calm
so we search
and we search
we scream our ecstasies
we create new blood
we have joined others
opening the pool
letting our blood mingle
letting our children run wild and free
but you rage
and i drown
she quakes
and he burrows
hiding
hiding
hiding
we believe in our children
our youth
our love
we promise our everything and smile at the altar
sometimes forever is broken
don’t let the bad blood taint him
it is nothing
a lineage of fear
names generic and forgotten
a secrecy of mothers
(the fathers they never name
the fathers they choose to blame)
let it be past
let it be the voodoo of our ancestors
let us claim our names loudly
peacefully
i was given the name of my father
i gifted my son a new name
the name of his father
i break the matrilineal line
let him walk into the light
the curse of generations gone
only sweetness on his lips
his name traced back
son to father
his grandfather’s name
strong and solid
let him be safe
let him be
let him claim his own name
we are only placeholders
we
are merely steps in evolution
in magic
in curses
and blessings
(2015)
release
(for Jason Rasmus, aka J2)
life & death
& love’s caress
surround you like the air we breathe
brother, you are
love & laughter
frustration & fascination
caring & carefree
you are mythic in nature
oral tradition passing you on
from person to person to person
a way for your legend
(your legacy)
to live on in us
us, your family & family of friends
us, those still tethered to life
us, crying here on a mountaintop
because your breath has stopped
& ours continues on
us, sharing, compiling
your life into stories to tell
to remember
to smile
& laugh
us, now family to each other
made blood by the death
(of a legend)
and we release you
we
release
you
to the snow covered mountains and skateparks
up the mountain & to the sun
ride into the light
cross the river styx
be one with the spirit
join the shadow people
take a railslide
into your future of haunts
just be sure to know:
we love you
& we release you
familial candle flicker tea & book lights are dim i close my eyes and take a look creating screen to see my fears i cried so much i nearly drowned in tears fuck that here i am stronger than any man i don’t care if you were there when i was made egg & sperm mental dna can change i am your daughter in name alone simply because you could not apologize on the phone no, that is a lie you see it’s because you could not show your love for me i tried for years to win you back to love you, my father without verbal attack but here we are 44 years past birth & while your continued love would have been nice i likely would have paid its painful worth now i sit here my son slowly waking i wonder if, to you, my love was worth taking this game, it’s clear, is lost to us both i see no more chance for our familial growth
sprezzatura so many times i’ve thought about how i dress living through the fashion faux pas of the 80’s i embraced the grunge of the 90’s because tee shirts, jeans, flannels, and docs make life so much easier and morning so much quicker the look is effortless almost all of it interchangeable it almost always fits the way i bought it to almost always helps me blend into the background i’ve never really understand fashion the fits of clothes that make it so i can’t breathe the shoes that try to make me taller than my 5 foot 2 that really only land me on my ass because balance isn’t my strength the prices that grace the runways that could feed a small nation the obnoxious and ridiculous lack of pockets I’ve held onto this style for almost thirty years now effortless grab a shirt grab some jeans i plan to go gently into my good days and nights wearing comfortable clothes and sneakers a flannel tied around my waist with a million earrings glinting in the streetlights telling of my survival effortless i have arrived
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